Tag Archives: Thoughts

Fragment -3.99

When they said she might be bipolar it all made sense.

One full day of hospitals.

More hatred than I could imagine from my own kid.

The one I had sacrificed for, spoiled, given everything to, the one I wore the same clothes to give to for at least 5 years.

The one who would never let me comfort her. The one I couldn’t help with bike riding. The one that outright lies for no reason about a teacher not letting her eat lunch when she’s 7.

The one that’s told me how to mother her, her entire life.

I thought it was my fault anyway.

Until the medical professionals started looking at me like Frankenstein because my daughter just swallowed 75 of her Ritalin pills.

Now,

She’s something else.

A different disorder.

But she’s got her therapist around her finger because damn is she good at that.

I’m just different.

Different with her, with my son,

My family,

Just less of something I cannot ever put into words.

It’s mostly war and quiet and tired mixed with it all. Whatever it is.

I’m not sure it gets better.

You get used to a certain level of the misery though according to some psychologist comedian.

So there’s that.

I just constantly hope that I can learn to not be like every other mother and keep my happiness disproportional to hers directly.

I remember the physicist.

He said his daughter was 35,

And it was another boy too,

It was the 8th stent since 15.

And I remember the feeling of actually not having to dumb my words down to have a conversation. Or having to sugarcoat anything. Or having to pretend I even cared to fit into a society that didn’t help any of the four of us before then. One that probably led to it all anyway.

I’m reading all the books he recommended now.

And it’s just statistics despite the advertising on the cover. Things I can do for myself.

Basically,

I just got this roll and it’s mine to roll with too.

I do get the occasional entertainment of watching men lose their minds over her.

Yes, she’s absolutely gorgeous, mostly nice when she wants something or attention, but batshit, her sperm donor is a military ballistics psychopath, she’s warp the entire rest of your life manipulative, never be satisfied, controlling, hoarder from my mother crazy. Good luck to you brother.

Me,

I’m her mother. I get the limited really good days by default.

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Fragment 34

A large inch sliver of my wedding ring finger,

Lodged between razor blades.

A tinge of excruciation every time I bump it.

The blood that doesn’t stop until I seal it with the sting of black powder potassium ferrate.

And I get home to the internet connection again for the first time in 12 hours to claws again.

I’m stuck with nothing to say.

Stuck not explaining or caring.

Wedged between the commonality and the opposites

Trapped wondering if I should even bother because there’s a million other places and people calling me.

Tied living in doubt of my accuracy.

My bed seems closer,

Yet, less comforting and less confusing.

I just want to show someone all the places Eden hides.

Introduce someone to all the one of a kinds.

My words hang like gallows being near another slice of flesh today and how much more that imaginary one will out do the real one.

An eraser or a pen, a conversation or an idea, a rough beginning or premature end,

And a wheel of fortune spins.

Maybe I’ll buy a better body like every other American,

A new front door,

Then let just pretty fleeting things grace my floor.

Or

Perhaps I’ll just lie on the soaked ground until this expired body finally lets my electricity go or I turn into a mountain.

Hemlock Realities

hemlockblog-8

Some times,

Fantastic fantasy grabs ahold

Leaving nothing but this mirrored,

Narrowed view,

While separating one

Onto a mountain top,

With a back drop painted with well intentions.

But it ends up looking more like something,

You painted with hazardous paint,

From your childhood dreams.

That you eventually must eat.

The convulsing doesn’t seem to stop,

Nor does the hole in your chest

Pump an adequate amount of blood

Until you pour more idealism on top of them.

Then you spend so many moons and moods trying to feel human again.

Yet,

You really aren’t.

You’ve been cast by your school bully,

Just playing their interpretation of you.

Everyone eventually so shocked,

They just sit by,

Speaking in hushed tones to your facsimile,

Hoping for you,

The breaths will slowly return,

The sky will clear-

So you can figure out what you need to finally do

To take care of you.

Fragment 17.000

Poor thing,

tired and dirty ❤️

Was hoping I would want to write more when I arrived but it seems as though I’m still just caught in the ocean of some strange tide.

However, happy I did not surprise anyone because really that was a ghost from a former life I should not have ever wasted a thought on. I think I’ve always known I had no loyalty to seek there. Being so busy now, it’s just exhausting expelling my energy on mummified peach seeds that once brought comfort. Plus, I’ve learned a lot about love since then. I want the kind, that just fits. If it’ll have me eventually that is.

Suppose that’s growth or me seeking more fun in my life? Who knows?

I’m gunning for more unsolicited adventures in my life, what a riot just little pit stops were even

😌

Xoxo

Fragment 10.147

My story lies in the sorrowful

Screech of the violin’s mourning strings,

The vibrato of lung’s

Expressive dreams

When trilled to such

Passed history.

In the cascading twilight

Between what was

And what’s to be.

Yet,

They all believe

They’re the author,

Of the epic tale

Of the sun cresting

On morning’s dewy mountain top

Never seen by man.

I’m sorry every daling

That never heeds

My warning,

Men don’t dwell at such extremes

Until they learn to see before learning to speak.

You are barely treading the surface

Of the soul’s design.
(P.s. I don’t believe it’s wise to tell someone with the same mix and revolutionary mind as Van Gogh : they don’t feel the right way. You’d be beyond wrong. I can cut my ear off for a returned devotion if I want to love like that, thank you. Apologies if you don’t like love’s give and take mentality  xoxo)