Tag Archives: Healing

Fragment -3.99

When they said she might be bipolar it all made sense.

One full day of hospitals.

More hatred than I could imagine from my own kid.

The one I had sacrificed for, spoiled, given everything to, the one I wore the same clothes to give to for at least 5 years.

The one who would never let me comfort her. The one I couldn’t help with bike riding. The one that outright lies for no reason about a teacher not letting her eat lunch when she’s 7.

The one that’s told me how to mother her, her entire life.

I thought it was my fault anyway.

Until the medical professionals started looking at me like Frankenstein because my daughter just swallowed 75 of her Ritalin pills.

Now,

She’s something else.

A different disorder.

But she’s got her therapist around her finger because damn is she good at that.

I’m just different.

Different with her, with my son,

My family,

Just less of something I cannot ever put into words.

It’s mostly war and quiet and tired mixed with it all. Whatever it is.

I’m not sure it gets better.

You get used to a certain level of the misery though according to some psychologist comedian.

So there’s that.

I just constantly hope that I can learn to not be like every other mother and keep my happiness disproportional to hers directly.

I remember the physicist.

He said his daughter was 35,

And it was another boy too,

It was the 8th stent since 15.

And I remember the feeling of actually not having to dumb my words down to have a conversation. Or having to sugarcoat anything. Or having to pretend I even cared to fit into a society that didn’t help any of the four of us before then. One that probably led to it all anyway.

I’m reading all the books he recommended now.

And it’s just statistics despite the advertising on the cover. Things I can do for myself.

Basically,

I just got this roll and it’s mine to roll with too.

I do get the occasional entertainment of watching men lose their minds over her.

Yes, she’s absolutely gorgeous, mostly nice when she wants something or attention, but batshit, her sperm donor is a military ballistics psychopath, she’s warp the entire rest of your life manipulative, never be satisfied, controlling, hoarder from my mother crazy. Good luck to you brother.

Me,

I’m her mother. I get the limited really good days by default.

Advertisements

Fragment 9.788

My hand held the brush expertly,

Coloring the sun,

On everything passed,

As I gently inhale life-

Back into my lungs

Between each flowing stroke.

Attentive to every corner

In need of covering,

Loving,

Refurbishing.

Plucking last seasons wings,

Before tonight’s

Contented sleep

For the 6th week in a row

After so many years

Of insomnia’s bothersome goblin fiend.

xoxo

 

Fragment 9.404

The sweet bad boy fumbled,
So humbly in his over sized pink shirt,
Like his smaller frame was something to be ashamed of.
I, however, couldn’t resist the charm of his perfectly timed comment
About being an honest guy
And why he was asking me for
My order a second time.
I couldn’t help but oblige,
With my phone number in the nick of time-
Before my red hell beast roared with a tap of my toes.
As I laughed about my broken heart,
Looking for a distraction from being replaced by imagination.
Away I drove,
As if in screaming celebration.
Cackling almost at death itself-
With jubilant elation,
About the universe’s current
Preoccupation with every minute
Of my unforeseen serendipitous healing.
So a kiss I blew out the window,
As this soundtrack randomly began.

Man, does life have a wicked sense of humor,
I’m certainly starting to enjoy immensely.
Goodbye June for damn sure.
Even my imagination couldn’t have made such well timed splendor.
Xoxo

 

 

Fragment 9.285

Lessons I’m still learning. But at least I’m closer. This gentelman has been on the same path and shares a lot I have learned over the past few years.
Anywho,
I have a type,for my entire life- sigh. I’ve learned however to actually stop hanging on and inhibiting another’s personal growth. Their path is not mine. The want for someone like me is to heal the most broken souls. I believe now more than ever,I should work on my own first
Xoxo