Category Archives: Thoughts

Fragment -3.99

When they said she might be bipolar it all made sense.

One full day of hospitals.

More hatred than I could imagine from my own kid.

The one I had sacrificed for, spoiled, given everything to, the one I wore the same clothes to give to for at least 5 years.

The one who would never let me comfort her. The one I couldn’t help with bike riding. The one that outright lies for no reason about a teacher not letting her eat lunch when she’s 7.

The one that’s told me how to mother her, her entire life.

I thought it was my fault anyway.

Until the medical professionals started looking at me like Frankenstein because my daughter just swallowed 75 of her Ritalin pills.

Now,

She’s something else.

A different disorder.

But she’s got her therapist around her finger because damn is she good at that.

I’m just different.

Different with her, with my son,

My family,

Just less of something I cannot ever put into words.

It’s mostly war and quiet and tired mixed with it all. Whatever it is.

I’m not sure it gets better.

You get used to a certain level of the misery though according to some psychologist comedian.

So there’s that.

I just constantly hope that I can learn to not be like every other mother and keep my happiness disproportional to hers directly.

I remember the physicist.

He said his daughter was 35,

And it was another boy too,

It was the 8th stent since 15.

And I remember the feeling of actually not having to dumb my words down to have a conversation. Or having to sugarcoat anything. Or having to pretend I even cared to fit into a society that didn’t help any of the four of us before then. One that probably led to it all anyway.

I’m reading all the books he recommended now.

And it’s just statistics despite the advertising on the cover. Things I can do for myself.

Basically,

I just got this roll and it’s mine to roll with too.

I do get the occasional entertainment of watching men lose their minds over her.

Yes, she’s absolutely gorgeous, mostly nice when she wants something or attention, but batshit, her sperm donor is a military ballistics psychopath, she’s warp the entire rest of your life manipulative, never be satisfied, controlling, hoarder from my mother crazy. Good luck to you brother.

Me,

I’m her mother. I get the limited really good days by default.

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Fragment 34

A large inch sliver of my wedding ring finger,

Lodged between razor blades.

A tinge of excruciation every time I bump it.

The blood that doesn’t stop until I seal it with the sting of black powder potassium ferrate.

And I get home to the internet connection again for the first time in 12 hours to claws again.

I’m stuck with nothing to say.

Stuck not explaining or caring.

Wedged between the commonality and the opposites

Trapped wondering if I should even bother because there’s a million other places and people calling me.

Tied living in doubt of my accuracy.

My bed seems closer,

Yet, less comforting and less confusing.

I just want to show someone all the places Eden hides.

Introduce someone to all the one of a kinds.

My words hang like gallows being near another slice of flesh today and how much more that imaginary one will out do the real one.

An eraser or a pen, a conversation or an idea, a rough beginning or premature end,

And a wheel of fortune spins.

Maybe I’ll buy a better body like every other American,

A new front door,

Then let just pretty fleeting things grace my floor.

Or

Perhaps I’ll just lie on the soaked ground until this expired body finally lets my electricity go or I turn into a mountain.

Fragments: Floating 1.0

Somehow,

I believe he holds all his favorite skylines in the recesses of his heart

A safe vibrant, little, large, brilliance given away by his laughter.

So, the clovers rise from beneath the cool earth.

I wait for the roses that grow from his sorrows, his doubts, his overthinking,

his words, his hold, his holy grins….him.

Fragment 29.444

Valentine’s for me isn’t about romantic love. I met my friend turned sister at a tragic comedy play after break ups at 15. It’s our 20th this year. What unique perspective it gives the Saint consumers holiday to say the least. This is life’s humor, life’s end game, the personal perspectives hidden behind more than what people think.

Even not here,

I wish you a thankful 20th on this rock of sorrow filled, comedic perpetuity. Our laughter, healing salve for hopefully another 70.

May it be whatever you need it to be, even celebrating this one with me ❤️

Fragment 22.5

Wrap me completely into your violent shiver.

Stick your fervor to my ribs,

Until the tar of your cinders

Swallows me whole.

Bury deeper,

The moans stuck behind the bone when it collides into the loss of chastity.

Dangle this body from the stars you have collected,

Until a silver lining coaxes death from the gallows of time to share a dream,

drink,

a drive to all the infinity of the ochre light that keeps touching the clouds while we sleep.

Then we’ll know,

The languages of tomorrow and all the ways sunrises dance gleefully into existence when no one’s looking.

Looming Velocipede Know as Sister-yphus

woman-in-mirror

Full of doubt

Sitting,

Waiting with out.

The tears comfort themselves now

Because I’m always such a fool

For how words form

In that beautiful mouth.

I’m sodden now with

All the things you can’t with.

Even showers neglect to clean me

Before dusk falls on my thoughts.

My heart sings believe

My smart mind knows better

No matter how much your touch

Brings life back to my shatteredness.

Why,

Why rolling heavy losses up mountain tops,

As I wait for years of time to finally catch up.

Even I was unaware the torture

Would eventually turn on itself.

Nothing left of this field of sweet

smells, black top, and hopeless tires rolling as intended wanting to miss

the boulder set to meet me at sunset with only a man running the

opposite direction instead of

towards the helplessly lost.

Brace for impact.

Or not.

Trying to remember it.

A funeral but for the things I have to tell myself sometimes to just breathe.

A eulogy for all the things turreted towards me I thought I could help, or fix, or get back on track but never did.

A pyre lit for all the potential I see in people that they never discovered of themselves burning with the oil made of the pain that has resulted because of this.

What do people do after this?

Lost broken hope,

Every bit deep enough inside themselves just hoping one day it’s a Pandora’s box with someone else opening it thousands of years away unleashing it’s empathy back into light.

If I had hope currently, I’d believe that but it must have gone in with the rest while I wasn’t paying attention. 

So I’ll just wait here. Because I’m tired of kind of always just holding it up anyway. I probably deserve a break. 

Fragment 11.983

Forgive me, this is now months old. I felt cleaning drafts was due before years end. Interesting topic, as I, myself date older men. But there’s a line somewhere in 2016, no? Here’s to thinking one grew out of his teens just because the years passed and someone that would never ❤

Start tyrate after a 6 hour drive and too much time to think with my beautiful daughter next to me:

What sort of man incites such malice with in a kind heart like mine? One that thinks it’s funny to hit on my 15 year old daughter. One, that expects me to buy him unending beers. One, that leaves me in front of a busy hotel to meet a gaggle of men asking me why I’m an irish girl in part of town I don’t belong in, alone outside. The sort, that sits in a car silently, phone in hand, as I stave off a 6’3′ man accosting me in a parking lot I also didn’t belong in that all the while pretends he loves me.  But mostly, a 40 yo man wanting a child. I will always protect before I partake in anything selfish. If two 15 year olds had children, You’re practically old enough to be her grandfather.  Get it now?

So, enjoy the reality. The true one, not  some I’m  misunderstood delusion. I wonder if there is a public list for this man’s kind. Stop coming here as well. You are also not welcome to steal my writing for your own inspiration either.

In the meantime, perhaps a decent girl proving her point can be finished with a disappointment beyond imagination. Thanks for the momentary loss of faith in humanity. Good thing, I know how to make it, share it, give it, instead of take it.

Xoxo