Category Archives: Family

Fragment -3.99

When they said she might be bipolar it all made sense.

One full day of hospitals.

More hatred than I could imagine from my own kid.

The one I had sacrificed for, spoiled, given everything to, the one I wore the same clothes to give to for at least 5 years.

The one who would never let me comfort her. The one I couldn’t help with bike riding. The one that outright lies for no reason about a teacher not letting her eat lunch when she’s 7.

The one that’s told me how to mother her, her entire life.

I thought it was my fault anyway.

Until the medical professionals started looking at me like Frankenstein because my daughter just swallowed 75 of her Ritalin pills.

Now,

She’s something else.

A different disorder.

But she’s got her therapist around her finger because damn is she good at that.

I’m just different.

Different with her, with my son,

My family,

Just less of something I cannot ever put into words.

It’s mostly war and quiet and tired mixed with it all. Whatever it is.

I’m not sure it gets better.

You get used to a certain level of the misery though according to some psychologist comedian.

So there’s that.

I just constantly hope that I can learn to not be like every other mother and keep my happiness disproportional to hers directly.

I remember the physicist.

He said his daughter was 35,

And it was another boy too,

It was the 8th stent since 15.

And I remember the feeling of actually not having to dumb my words down to have a conversation. Or having to sugarcoat anything. Or having to pretend I even cared to fit into a society that didn’t help any of the four of us before then. One that probably led to it all anyway.

I’m reading all the books he recommended now.

And it’s just statistics despite the advertising on the cover. Things I can do for myself.

Basically,

I just got this roll and it’s mine to roll with too.

I do get the occasional entertainment of watching men lose their minds over her.

Yes, she’s absolutely gorgeous, mostly nice when she wants something or attention, but batshit, her sperm donor is a military ballistics psychopath, she’s warp the entire rest of your life manipulative, never be satisfied, controlling, hoarder from my mother crazy. Good luck to you brother.

Me,

I’m her mother. I get the limited really good days by default.

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Fragment 30.3

Too many choices make me nauseated.

At the end of the day I’m going to choose my children first.

I owe them.

I made them. Kept them. My duty to keep them.

My career.

A lot of people depend on me, including my aging family.

I owe them also.

They keep me soft, taught me love, and make it worthwhile.

My career is attached to my deep seeded altruism.

It’s the art I’m living.

And I took an oath.

A real one with 150 of my classmates.

I’m not going to waiver, ever.

Not even if it’s killing me.

Ask my angry, pain laden knee.

I’m stern about these things if necessary.

It’s never about anything but those things first.

I have no needs that are as important as this.

I have very few needs other than the smiles my precious littles carry because I kiss them before bed every night.

If you’re interested, be patient or choose the blonde instead of this brunette.

I’m incapable of giving those two things up.

I tried once,

Almost took my soul as penance.

If you have none,

I’m definitely made of nothing to see here, move along kindly.

And I whole heartedly am sorry and not at the same time.

Maybe I’m just like my father,

Just like my mother.

Fragment 29.444

Valentine’s for me isn’t about romantic love. I met my friend turned sister at a tragic comedy play after break ups at 15. It’s our 20th this year. What unique perspective it gives the Saint consumers holiday to say the least. This is life’s humor, life’s end game, the personal perspectives hidden behind more than what people think.

Even not here,

I wish you a thankful 20th on this rock of sorrow filled, comedic perpetuity. Our laughter, healing salve for hopefully another 70.

May it be whatever you need it to be, even celebrating this one with me ❤️

Fragment 10.267

The world askew,

The invention of false outlets,

Where you can write yourself anew,

For my entire span to date,

While I was still watching

The sunset in a field,

With the animals

And my flute

Connecting with the vibrations of the living world.

Tuning into me, them, it,

With every inhale

The exhale

Creating beautifully loved

Bubbles of thought

despite the ill.

Tomorrow,

I’ll go sit alone

On the pond and bench

Erected in dedication

Where we buried my cousin,

Because we used to catch bullfrogs in terrace ponds in summer

Crawdads in fall,

Grasshoppers for bait,

While we laugh whole heartedly and fish there,

Because I miss the life in the world too much.

While I hum him another

Orchestra I wrote

That will never see paper,

Due to the state of green money and it’s current rule.

I just need to smile like that,

Family of mine,

Where there was always time

And love never had some sort of ruling or end.

I miss all 22 of you kindred of mine.

And if they are right,

I’ll see you all in the blink of a benevolent eye

Where my red poppy fields are abundant,

While my imagination erects that light emitting palace,

Situated on the perfect floating star cloud beyond time.

The downside however,

I don’t know if I just miss you all,

Or I’m stricken with grief because humanity isn’t very beautiful anymore.

xoxo